my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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