My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
