Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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