i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
