my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
