i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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