break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
