if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
