I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
