I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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