i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
