Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
