just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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