btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
