i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
