I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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