i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
