ya dads aren't the best wingmen
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
