Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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