did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
