It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
