i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
