Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
