We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
