grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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