Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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