I think I won the penis lottery.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
