So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There was a lot of him and a little penis
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
