You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
