No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
