even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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