He asked to "fluff my boner.."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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