Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
