now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
