There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
