your parents love me but you hate me
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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