I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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