is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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