as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
