I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
