So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
