Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
