I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
