I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
