saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
