never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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