That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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