As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
being pregnant is like rehab
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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