When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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