Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
