Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
