i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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