I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
